What's cooking

It’s been over a year since I had made my chicken noodle soup.  This week seemed like the best time to bring it back.  We had a stomach bug hit our house recently.  We were all just able to start eating again when I decided to make it.  I’m a big believer in chicken noodle soup being a cure all that ails you.  It reminds me of being a kid and my mom giving me flat sprite when I had a belly ache so now anytime I drink a sprite it sends me back to being a sick as a child.  Chicken noodle does the same and is like a mental band aid to what makes you feel ill.  The way I make is it simple by comparison to a real “homemade” soup.  I’m a cook that has to be able to cook fast.  While I have chicken breast defrosting I begin prepping my vegetables. I chop up a single onion which will cause me to cry but it’s one of my favorite vegetable to add with any cooked meal. Then I julienne cut a cup of carrots to put in the soup; more for the color than the taste.  The last veggie I add is celery.  I don’t eat it often but the smell and crispness as I chop it is almost refreshing.  I take the easy way out and add chicken broth to a huge pot.  Now my mom would do something crafty by boiling a whole chicken all day to make a broth.  This is too much for me.  I add a lot of broth which is a personal preference that I like soup to be soup and not thick like as sauce.  I bring it to a boil and toss in the vegetables and seasoning.  I dice up the defrosted chicken which is my least favorite part.  Cutting meat has never been my favorite maybe it’s the feeling of slimy things.  I let it all boil and simmer while the chicken and vegetables cook all together.  This all starts to give the house the best aroma of warmth.  If a smell could make you feel wrapped up in a comfy blanket next to a fire place that’s what my chicken noodles does for me.  To me the last step is the most important.  The one thing I have to steal from my mom’s way of cooking soup is to add not just any noodle but Reames egg noodles.  This means I’m in the home stretch and so close to a warm bowl in front of me.  After another twenty minute wait I can finally enjoy the comforting taste of my simple labor of love.    I can’t believe it had been so long since I treated myself to something so wholesome and good.  It almost made my illness worth the pain to enjoy something that made me feel so much better. 

reflection

I started this project with a mild sense of dread.  It reminded me to much of journaling which has never been my favorite.  At first it seemed easy to type for ten minutes.  The hard part I found out was coming up with topics to write about.  I felt like I was just babbling constantly.  I discovered that even though I was free writing by the third week my thoughts seemed clearer as I wrote.  I liked the ease of free writing as long as I was inspired by the topic.  Therein lies my dislike of the project. I had the hardest time finding topics so I just wrote about everything around me.  I don’t know if I’ve changed that much as a writer.  When I’m writing a first draft it does make me stop and free write all my thoughts then go back later to edit.  I wouldn’t say I’ve seen a significant change in my writing.  My average length went up to around 350-375 in ten minutes.  Again, that depended on the topic.  It truly was my greatest weakness through the whole project.  I think I did every topic suggestion that my classmates put on Black Board.  Now I can’t say it would make it any better but maybe at the beginning of the project everyone should post ten topic ideas.  It wouldn’t matter if some people duplicated topics there would be plenty of ideas for people like me who are topic challenged.  Over all it was a good experience with some challenges along the way. 

freewrite week 6 day 7

My last blog of the week finds me oblivious to any real ideas to write about.  So in the absence of idea I’m choosing to write about a clear head.  I’m one of those people whose mind seems to be continuously on.  I would give anything for an off switch sometimes.  It’s my worst enemy in the middle of the night.  I’m fine if I wake up and try hard not to think about anything I can usually go back to sleep.  If a single thought comes in my head it’s all over.  I then spend hours with my brain rattling on and on about what I need to do the next day, did I forget to lock the doors, did I just hear the baby and so on and so forth.  This usually goes into hyper drive during the day.  I wish for the clearness of just nothing.  I think this is why I enjoy books and movies because I can get lost in it without thinking about anything else.  I can actually be so engrossed when watching a movie that it’s one of the rare times I don’t think about anything else.  Even though I have so many thoughts going through my head it doesn’t make it any easier to think of things to write about.  Eventually I feel like I’m just blabbing about nothing important.  I think having a clear mind would be more helpful.  I’m great at multitasking but I feel my head is full of tasks flying at me all the time.  It would be nice with a clear head to have one thing at a time be the focus in my head.  I know it would save my anxiety level if I didn’t worry about all the things my brain is telling me to do.  It takes great work for me to have peace of mind in the head.  Usually I have to be outside and quite.  I think trying to meditate would kill my head.  It makes me laugh with the thought of trying to shut my thoughts off.  I’ve comes to terms with my unclear mind but it doesn’t mean I don’t long for peace and clarity. 

Freewrite week 6 day 6

I have gotten really into the show Catfish.  It has to do with online relationships where people are being untruthful about who they are.  This isn’t very surprising to me because right after high school I got big into chat rooms and talking to people online.  I was drawn into talking to people who knew nothing about me.  It really gives you so much license to be anyone you wanted.  Now people are so technology save’ that they can do anything.  They take other peoples pictures and create profiles to talk to other people.  They lie about their gender, age, and sometimes sexual orientation.  It really makes you think more about how much people lie.  Is it because we are becoming so disconnected in our lives?  People spend more time dealing with technology and social media then in the real world.  I know that I was a victim more than once of online relationships.  I can honestly say that they didn’t know who I really was.  I was me but more of what they wanted me to be than myself.  So I can relate to the TV show and the traps that people can get into or ones we place ourselves in.  The pitfalls to some of the stories on Catfish are because people trust too much of what people tell them to be 100% truthful.  I like to quote House in situations like that, “Everyone lies.”  My partner and I look at each other and ask would we wait years to meet each other?  Nope it would never happen.  These people seem to be okay talking by computer or phone for years.  If I fell in love with someone I wouldn’t be able to invest that much time without knowing what they were like in real life.  Then there is the bullying side of Cat-fishing where people become someone else to hurt another person.  It also shows the addiction people have with creating fake profiles and online lives and how they can’t give that up.  They would rather live in this make believe word than in the real world.

freewrite week 6 day 5

I’m sick of people being sick.  We have been hit hard at our house this year.  We have had three months of illnesses on and off again.  We had the flu, stomach virus, colds, and random fevers.  I know that when having a family it comes with the territory.  This world has everything in it where ever we go.  I get that.  I used to work at a daycare where the parents would get jumpy if we posted a child sick in our classroom.  They forget that they all worked at the hospital and probably exposed their children to more than we did at the daycare.  Again sickness is ever where.  I get more frustrated at my ex now that he has a new wife and she has two kids.  Their family has shared more illnesses with us than anyone else.  We usually find out after the fact that they were sick.  It’s even scarier because my ex spent the last month keeping no food down and spent a week in the hospital without finding what was wrong.  Then two days ago our son started throwing up and running a fever.  I still think there is a chance that it’s some awful virus.  It doesn’t matter how many times I clean or wash everything in the house it’s only a matter of time before every illness is passed from every individual in the house.  I’m over the temperature checks, the doctor visits, and bodily fluids.  I know that I’m not the only one because it seems like its hit a lot of people this year.  I see weekly on facebook that friends are going through all the same things.  I’m more excited to get to spring and summer when I usually have to deal with allergies and nothing else.  That I can deal with because it’s easily fixed with a daily medication.  This all may be due to the fact that I’m not much of a winter person either.  I like fall and spring weather wise.  So when you attach all the sickness it makes me hate winter even more. 

freewrite week 6 day 4

Being a twin is over rated.  I spent my life with everyone telling me how awesome it would be and how much they wish they had a twin like me.  My sister and I were fine as kids and always got along.  When we moved to Springfield we slowly grew apart as we got older.  We still hung out with the same people but never really got each other.  Since then we have gone through fazes of being close or just being sisters.  I helped her get out of her first marriage when she was being abused.  She helped as much she could when I was leaving my ex.  We went through a very rough time a couple of years ago.  We spent almost a year without speaking.  We both ended up pregnant at the same time.  Again I hear the same people saying how cool that would be, but when you’re not talking or spending time anywhere near your family it take the coolness out of both of us being pregnant.  Right before we had the babies we started talking without really talking.  Eventually things were okay enough that I even starting watching her son while she was at work.  This all worked till she couldn’t pay me.  Money between family members is always a problem.  Things got back to normal after I stopped watching him.  Then like an idiot a year later I started watching him again when she got a different job.  How stupid was I to think this was going to be any different than the first time. Granted it was more than just her not paying me consistently for watching him.  I never knew when she was bringing him even when I begged her to communicate with me more so I could plan around watching him because I was going to school full time as well.  It lasted almost six months and I didn’t even tell her I couldn’t watch him anymore.  In true family style nothing was ever said to me that my mom and dad were going to watch him from now on.  Nope, the last day time I got any information from her she said she didn’t have any appointments that day.  Then I never heard about it again.  I see no benefits to having a twin.  She’s just a person who looks just like me but is nothing like me.

freewrite week 6 day 3

I’m totally addicted to reality TV.  I have been for years.  My interests have changed in the shows I watch.  I was big into survivor when it first started based just on the fact I loved the idea of it all.  Then I just stopped watching because it was more staged then real.  I never ever got into the bachelor.  Call me crazy but I could just tell how ridiculous the idea was to find true love on reality TV.  After so many years of reality shows I think it is proven to split more couples up then keep them together.  I was so excited when Jessica Simpson and Nick Lache’ split up.  I called it years before it happened.  I love reality cooking shows and music shows.  I gave up on American Idol after the fifth season I think.  I just couldn’t take it anymore.  To me even now the talent on their show is more like a bad talent show compared to the voice or the X factor.  With all the judges changing places on American Idol you would think that it only has a couple years left anyways.  Or one could hope.  It’s not my proudest moment to admit my love for everything Jersey shore but I got addicted early when it came out.  It was like having a second family who was crazy and filled with drama.  I even watch Jwoww and Snooki show where she just had her baby.  I like the fact that they have changed so much in five years.  I’m still holding out for Ron and Sam to have a Jersey Shore wedding.  It seems that we are only years away from a Blade Runner situation or a Hunger Games.  Watching peoples pain will someday be normal.  Reality TV already shows us people’s emotional pain and sometimes even verbal abuse.  Hell’s kitchen would be a great example.  It almost makes it even more addicting to watch Chef Ramsee torture and abuse the contestants.  Then there are shows like ridiculousness that show internet clips of people getting hurt.  It reminds me of the show Jack Ass that causes so much controversy when it first appeared.  If it came out now it wouldn’t be that big of a deal.  Crazy to think how used to things we become that we don’t care anymore. 

freewrite week 6 day 2

I just recently watched the movie Flight.  It was a great story.  It was nothing like what I expected it to be.  The huge flight crash happens in the first twenty minutes.  The rest of the movie is about the pilots addiction problems and if they affected his ability that day to fly that day.  It was eventually found that it was a major issue mechanically with the plane that made it crash.  Not only that, but they found in simulated attempts to fly a plane in the same situation no other pilot could have landed without killing everyone on board.  To me it was more about the pilot Whip realizing how much of a problem he had with drinking and drugs.  He is spending so much time lying to everyone about his problem and trying to get them to cover up for his questionable actions and behavior that day he doesn’t see that he is spiraling out of control.  A little more than a week before his huge review hearing he decides to get clean.  All seems great till the night before he relapses in a major way.  It’s a pivotal scene.  In some cosmic way the door attached to the hotel room next to his opens.  It has a fully stocked mini bar.  You hope that he can resist the temptation and stay clean, but the power to have a drink it too much for him.   His friend and lawyer show up an hour before the hearing to find him passed out on the bathroom floor.  The scene shows a thrashed room with empty mini bottles tossed around the room.  All hope of him getting threw the hearing and not being thrown in jail seems gone.  In a hilarious twist he calls his dealer to bring him cocaine to level him out after a night of drinking.  You think that all is well he looks great and is acting like a half way normal person.  His down fall came when they accused one of the flight attendants who had died in the crash who he had a relationship with, of drinking on the flight.  He couldn’t handle lying anymore.  He confessed to being drunk that day and drinking on the flight.  It put him in jail but he finally confessed to having a real problem.  It wasn’t what I expected but truly a good movie. 

Freewrite week 6 day 1

I always thought my family was more like the Brady bunch growing up.  Actually that dilution lasted till I was in my late 20s.  Now I know better.  I finally know what it is to have a dysfunctional family.  It all changed after a huge family crisis.  People picked sides.  I would like to say we resolved the issues we had because of the crisis but we didn’t.  Like everything in my family it was eventually swept under the rug and ignored.  The huge problem with that is all the resentment and issues were never resolved so there is this current that runs under everything.  Because of that our dynamic is subject to that current and us doing everything not disrupting it.  This all worked for about a year.  Now I have a very basic relationship with my family.  They think that my partner has complete control over me and my actions.  What makes me so frustrated is the lack of my family trusting that they raised an independent and strong woman.  I have lost my relationship with my twin sister because we can’t talk about our issues.  I can’t talk to my dad about the fact that he blatantly favors her kids over mine.  I have spent so much time praying for an answer with no hope in a resolution.  I even sat down with my mom and was honest with her about how I felt.  It really didn’t do anything.  My dad has spent months ignoring my partner when she is in the room.  This even included Christmas morning in front of my mother in law.  She was so upset by his actions she almost packed up and left.  We were supposed to have my family over that day to have Christmas dinner but instead I had to tell them not to come.  Again I tried to talk to my mom about what had happened but it fell on deaf ears and a lot of defensiveness from her.  My partner has given up and just exists in my family.  It’s hard to walk into my family’s home and my dad walks out of the room not acknowledging her and sometimes me.  I have no idea why.  Now he even threw out passive aggressive comments to me about me being pregnant again.  I would love to get back to the Brady bunch but I feel it’s not healthy to not talk about the problems we have obviously it’s not doing us any good. 

freewrite week 5 day 7

It’s funny to think about when I was ten and we had moved to Springfield.  I hated it so much because it wasn’t my home. I was an Army brat and was used to living on a base versus an actual city.  My friends and I could relate to each other because our parents all did the same thing.  Moving here was the most traumatic move which says a lot because I had moved a dozen times already in my life.  It might have been worse because of the preteen age when we moved.  I hated the people, I hated the places, and I hated the schools.  I could no longer relate to anyone around me.  I didn’t feel like it wasn’t till I was in my mid-twenties that I had come to appreciate where I live.  I had just gone on a long vacation and we were coming back into town.  I remember this wave wash over me like “I’m Home!” Ever since then I’ve finally considered this place my home town.  I have lived here long enough to have seen it grow and change.  I’ve come to love the small things.  The crazy drivers who think yellow means green at a light.  How people lose the ability to drive during the first rain or snow.  I found great dive bars and stay away from downtown when I can help it.  That may be more about the fact that I’m older now and don’t really need the college bar scene.  The people have grown on me.  They are mostly nice and good.  I have lived on every side of the city so I know what it’s like everywhere here.  Some places make me sadder than most.  The north side was depressing for me to live because it was unchanging.  The houses were almost obsessive.  I can still feel the change when traveling to area.  Houses had a grime to them.  Yards had toys, broken cars, or bags of trash in them.  What was more surprising was the lack of beauty even from nature.  The most beautiful dogwood couldn’t cover a home that should be condemned.  It’s also a part of town to live in makes you stronger and appreciate not living there more. 

freewrite week 5 day 6

There are a few things in the world I wish I could do but I can’t.  One of those things is actually growing anything.  Strange as that is I have been known to kill bamboo.  The only way you can kill bamboo is to not water it for a month or more.  Yep, I did that.  I had a beautiful sego palm tree that we brought all the way from Texas.  It lasted a couple years.  It passed away last summer.  Again, this is a plant that only needs sun and water.  I can’t tell you what the undoing was.  We had a lot of rain early in the spring that drowned it a couple times.  Then we had an oppressive summer of heat. Those two things may have be what killed something that should be impossible for most people to kill.  I on the other hand can kill any plant put in front of me.  What’s even sadder is I love flowers and plants so much.  It pains me that I can’t grow or keep them alive.   True to myself I have also killed a hand full of orchids.  Now orchids are on the other end of the spectrum as being one of the most difficult plants to keep.  I just can’t resist their beauty.  Usually around mother’s day stored will have them strategically placed at the front door so I will be drawn in to kill yet another flower.   I even tried last summer planting seeds and growing a simple garden in my back yard.  Like all my other attempts it just didn’t come together.  The only thing I have found to grow outside that I can’t kill is my day lilies.  My mom calls the ditch lilies because they can literally grow anywhere including a ditch.  I hate to say that the only flowers I can’t kill are bulbs that don’t need me at all.  In a strange way I would give anything to have a green thumb.  It’s a strange talent that most people take from granted that I wish I could have.  

freewrite week 5 day 5

I’m done with our puppy.  We have an amazing four year old pit bull who we have tried to pair up with a half a dozen other dogs.  To no avail it has never worked.  Carly, the puppy, isn’t a horrible dog just a puppy and annoying to me.  I think she annoys our pit bull Coco.  I know my cats would love for her to stop pulling them around by the tail or chasing them everywhere.  The one blessing is she can sleep through the night now.  That was awesome when she wasn’t and I still had a toddler who was waking up.  Sleep is my friend and anyone taking it away is my enemy.  I’m trying hard not to give up on Carly because she has great potential to be a smart and fun dog.  I think the whole house, people and animals, are ready for her not to be a puppy any more.  Toys are getting chewed.  Cat box is getting raided.  Nothing can be left on the coffee table.  Last week she took out a cup of coffee I had left there.  The only thing more important than sleep is my coffee.  I couldn’t have been more upset.  One reason I’m trying so hard to give Carly the benefit of the doubt is that we have a horrible track record with the “second dog.”  Because it hasn’t worked out with other dogs we just find them other homes.  Toni has gotten a little more stubborn about Carly and not wanting to just get rid of her.  I on the other hand am not that attached to her and love my pit bull and cats so much more than her.  What’s funny is Toni thinks for some reason Carly was my Christmas gift.  When we got her I felt it was more of a mutual want of another dog from both of us than just something for me.  The reason I wanted it more to be a mutual agreement was because if things didn’t work out I didn’t want it thrown back at me that I’m the only one who wanted the dog.  I’m just hoping past the puppy faze she might be an awesome dog. 

freewrite week 5 day 4

Cancer sucks.  I know this is nothing new but this week it really sucks.  A close friend of ours found out that chemo is no longer helping her.  She has been battling cancer for over five years.  She has had two major surgeries to remove it and three huge rounds of chemo.  He doctor told her yesterday there is no longer anything they can do for her.  It comes down now to her quality of life.  The chemo makes her sick and weak.  At least now what time she has left she will feel better.  I know she plans to travel and see family.  I kind of had a feeling a couple years ago after her last surgery, things weren’t great.  The scans showed cancer in three places but when they opened her up it was in five places.  Then they started chemo again.  She has been a big part of my family’s lives.  We even named our daughter after her.  She has been nothing but a positive and strong person this whole time.  She is still all of that but scared I think now.  Who wouldn’t be?  The doctors can’t tell her how long she has; which to me is scarier than knowing you’re going to die.  It could be years or it could be months.  I know that all we can do in our family is pray and see her as much as we can while she feels well.  I know it’s crazy in a morbid way but I would rather know that I’m dying.  I could prepare.  Nothing makes death any easier.  It makes me think of the movie P.S. I love you.  I would want to leave my life the same way with gifts for my love ones to keep going after.  But I’m also a person who since high-school has thought of my funeral.  Again I know it’s morbid.  I know songs I would play and pictures I would include.  I think everyone should think about it and I think it strange not to. 

freewrite week 5 day 3

The other day someone called me a warrior mother.  It’s a fitting name for the trials my family has had to go through.  We found out in 08 that our son has Autism and ADHD.  He was two and a half and barely had five words he could speak.  Developmentally he was around 12-18 months old.  Ever since then we have fought a daily battle.  We had to mourn the loss of our child ever having a typical life.  As he gets older we still go through that mourning because he doesn’t hit milestones like the other kids in his class.  We are nothing but blessed that he is in the middle of the spectrum.  This means he still has a speech/language and social disorder but he is more functioning than someone lower on the spectrum.  In our battles we have had some amazing teachers who have guided him so well.  We had to fight to get him special education assistance.  They took away his IEP going into kindergarten and he just got it back half way into first grade.  What is so sad is they could have been helping him this whole time and he wouldn’t be as far behind in reading and writing.  Right now he reads at a level one and at the end of first grade they would like a typical child to be around an eighteen.  Needless to say I have been fighting for years just to get him back in the special education.  I know that there is no rest for the weary.  We will have years ahead of us fighting for his education and special needs.  He is right now totally oblivious to his differences.  We encourage him to be what he wants to be.  He has a big dream of becoming a police officer.  I would be nothing but the proudest parent if he overcame his differences to be something so great. 

freewrite Week 5 day 2

Loss to me is a big word that can mean so much.  I really haven’t had anyone close to me pass away.  The time I associate with loss is when my grandparents divorced.  My grandma was my best friend my whole life.  She was technically my step grandma but they were married before I was born.  It was never an issue till things went south.  All of a sudden I was separated from her because of everyone siding with my grandpa.  When people divorce when they are older it seems harder.  Too many opinions, too many thoughts.  At the time I was twenty and very confused emotionally how to deal with it all.  In the end I wasn’t given a choice I had to sever all ties to my grandma.  It to this day has been the greatest loss in my life and still makes me cry.  The pain of losing her was as great as if she had died.  Obviously she didn’t.  I did go back I think a year later around Christmas to give her a card and pictures of me.  I didn’t tell my family and felt horrible for sneaking around.  I haven’t seen her since.  I think of her often and wish daily for her guidance.  Sometimes I think she has new grandkids that she is close to like she was with me.  It’s been ten years now.  I hate to say that the loss would have been easier to take if she had passed away versus being still somewhere in the city of Springfield.  I think what my Aunts and uncles didn’t really understand was she was my only grandma.  I wish she was able to see my kids.  Teach them all the awesome things she taught me.  There isn’t a time in my first 20 years of life that didn’t include her in it.  It is nothing but pain since then that I can’t share my life with her.  I know now that I am more of an adult and can choose to find her.  Maybe I will.  It’s just hard to cross that line.  It’s almost like crossing the picket line to my family.   I’m not sure how they would feel if I was close to her again.  But they really never saw the loss from the whole situation like I did.

freewrite week 5 day 1

I woke this morning to a beautiful view outside my door.  Snow came to our house.  It wasn’t a lot but for me it never has to be.  I like the beauty of snow but not the issues that come with it.  Maybe it’s the fact that my first car was a mustang.  Because of this I grew to hate driving in snow.  My car would spin its wheels at the idea of ice on the road.  Then when we had the huge ice storm in Springfield in 07 I became a little terrified of ice.  The sound of ice and limbs cracking and falling would wake me in my sleep.  It was one of the most horrible weeks in my life.  The power went out in my house the morning after the storm began.  It took almost a week to get it back on.  It was a hard week for everyone who lived in the area.  We ended up trekking to my mom and dads who had a generator to heat their living room.  We ended up squeezing seven people in a small room every night.  Many of us had no power.  I remember having to try to find a laundry mat that had available space to clean clothes.  This horrible experience actually seemed to bring all to the same place.  We all were like refugees in the same experience.  Most had no power, no heat, and no warm water.  I remember doing anything I could to get to work just so I could take my son who was not even a year so where warm.  All the snow has melted today and I’m okay with that.  I can take a visit from snow a few times a year as long as it goes away in the same day.  I know that I can’t always get what I want when it comes to our snow fall but so far this year it’s going my way. 

freewrite week 4 day 7

For some reason if I had only five minutes to do anything it would probably be cleaning.  That’s only because I have had too many times in my life where I find out someone is on the way to my house and I would rush to clean all I could.  Because of my mild case of OCD I freak out a little knowing someone is coming over.  It’s never like my house is filthy by most standards.  I just think in an old fashion way that your home should be perfect when others come over.  It seems silly even coming out of my mouth.  It could be that growing up in the army we were never really close by to friends or family.  My mom would scramble around and fret just as much as I do to make sure our home was perfect.  I know that I got it from her for sure.  The hard part being pregnant, sick, and very tired I don’t have the energy to clean the way I want to.  My second weakness is that I may like it clean but I’m also a huge procrastinator.  This brings us back to what I can do in five minutes.  Now I can’t do dishes or laundry in five minutes but that’s because they are my least favorite.  I can put them where they need to go and keep cleaning.  I can sweep and pick up toys.  Lighting a candle is a necessity.   Generally have to wrangle children and change a diaper and wash faces.  This could almost turn into an Olympic sport.  My two year old has found a new enjoyment into running from me when I need her.  She has also developed the knowledge of how to remove her pants and diaper.  This is happening three to five times a day.  Ever since I had kids my OCD ness has come down a lot.  I don’t worry as much how clean the house is all the time because I have kids, dogs, and cats.  The real problem in my cleaning life is the fact that I have white tile and grout.  I would give anything not to have that. 

Freewrite week 4 day 6

I hope that if anything my kids will learn from to be more confident to make choices.  I feel that my parents telling m constantly that I could be anything I wanted to be actually hurt my chances of making a real choice about like.  My seven year old wants to be a cop.  He says he wants to be an officer at his school.  Because he has shown interest in being anything I was to cultivate that into a dream for him.  Of course if he changes his mind I would go with the flow.  I just don’t think telling him he can be whatever he wants to be would be helpful.  I remind him that he has to go to school and someday college.  He has to grow up and get a license.  When my daughter gets older I will be the same with her.  I want to be helpful but also encourage them to pick a dream and let’s work towards that.  I want them to see me going to college and be encouraged to do the same.  In a silly way, I would love if my daughter wanted to be a nurse as well.  I think kids are greatly influenced by what jobs their parents have.  My first adult job was in child card because that is what my mom did.  I wouldn’t have liked it mom if my mom had encouraged me to do something more.  There really isn’t a place in parenting for being wishy washy with your kids.  Sitting them down and having a conversation about why you would like them to go to college versus making them go.  That working a job right out of high school is great but living under the poverty level as an adult because you didn’t go to college isn’t.  I don’t want to be like my parents who have struggled my whole life, and I don’t want my kids to feel that why about me.  I want them to have goals and dreams. 

Know Your Audience Analysis Blog

Last week we posted questions on our Know Your Audience discussion board.  I posed the question if you could be reincarnated what would you be and why.  When I made the question I had just answered a dozen questions from other class mates.  I was going off of the silly and interesting natural of the questions when I came up with mine.  In the same respect that I was answering everyone else’s questions in a fun tone while revealing a little about myself I was hoping for the same in return to my question.   What surprised me was getting a handful of responses that refused to answer the question and just said I don’t believe in reincarnation and why they didn’t believe.  This perturbed me slightly that it was being taken so seriously.  Then I remembered the point of the discussion was to know your audience.  At times I forget where I live and go to school.  Sometimes questions that even tread on the border of religious views are hard for people to take lightly.  I can respect their choices to take my question seriously, and I appreciate that they answered at all.  It does remind me that I have to remember all the people in my class who may read my essays or posts.  My intension by asking a question about reincarnation was not meaning to be offensive or question any religious views.  I only wanted to see what people would want to be if they could be anything else.  I still got some great answers from other classmates.  Some wanted to be lazy animals, or animals that lived alone.  My favorite was someone wanted to be Einstein’s brain.  This is an answer I was looking for when I came up with my question.  I wanted people to look outside just being a human or another human but to be something else.   Why not want to be the Queen of England’s waving hand or just a fly on the wall?  I guess I like questions that make you think outside of who you really are.

freewrite week 4 day 5

What do you want to be when you grow up was a question I got as a kid.  I never knew I just kept going to school and everyone assumes with my good grades I had a plan.  My parents didn’t help my indecision about my career choices.  They always said I could be anything I wanted to be.  That’s all fine and dandy but it would have helped me more if they actually talked to me about what was a good choice in life.  Like most things I had to learn through trial and error.  I didn’t go to college right out of high school because I was so unsure of what I wanted to be.  I didn’t want to wait money or time on classes that I didn’t need.  So I was a day care worker for a few years, then a corporate assistant for three, then back to day care for another five years.  The pay was crappy for what was expected of you.  I was in jobs that no one respected and that bothered me.  I finally sat down and wrote a list of jobs I respected and found out how much they paid a year.  All were three times more a year then the most I ever made.  I weighed the amount of time it would take to be in school versus the pay in the end and of course I didn’t want to have to move to go to school or find a new job.  Because the daycare I worked at for years was a hospital daycare, I got to know a lot of the nurses who brought their families to school.  I respected them greatly, sometimes more than the doctors.  I knew they worked hard, got a decent pay, and were always needed.  So in the end I chose to go to school to someday be a nurse.  Right now it’s not a huge passion other than being something respectable, get paid comfortably, help people, and always have a job.  But I learned over the years that your idea of an awesome job isn’t always the one that pays well enough to have a stable life. With a family it’s more important to not live pay check to pay check.  My parents still do which makes me sad and I never want to always live that way. 

freewrite week 4 day 4

I really enjoyed the essay Shame in our books.  I don’t know about anyone else but I have memories that when I think of them make me uncomfortable and just as embarrassed as the day it happened.  There was a time I went with a friend to a church thing on a Wednesday night and the pastor brought up some topic about things that are out of date or not so cool.  A guy in front a few rows in front of me said jean jackets.  Sadly I had borrowed my mom’s jean jacket that night and felt so out of place just from that comment.  I look back and think about things I said that were very naive and so stupid.  I was in fifth grade and a friend was hanging out at my house and a boy had come over and was talking to her and for some reason the conversation veered into me saying something stupid like “well you just want to kiss her” call it to many TGIF or movies that made my perception of how kids acted or didn’t act.  I remember going into high school being not just scared but terrified.  I just think about silly things on movies where people were bullied or shoved in lockers.  We even heard rumors the first week about freshman hell week.  Of course nothing happened but that didn’t mean I wasn’t terrified that the scene from Carrie wouldn’t be reenacted for the upper classmen’s enjoyment.  Looking back all of it is so silly but it still has a lot of the same emotions attached to it just like the day it happened.  How silly is that.  Wisdom would have been nice at an early age.  And realizing the real world is nothing like boy meets girl or full house.  Maybe that’s why I gravitate to reality shows now.  I wish they had been around when I was growing up to show me not to be scared or embarrassed unless it was really necessary.  Would that have stopped me probably not.  The world has changed and it’s even harder for adolescent kids.  They almost grow up to fast and have no naive stage in their lives. 

freewrite week 4 day 3

Sleep is the one thing in the world more precious to me than anything else.  I have a long history of needing hours of sleep.  My mom said I would sleep eight hours at night and three hour naps as a baby.  Even as I grew it was eight to ten hours of sleep a night.  Naps only when I was sick.  Then I had my son and I came to know what sleep deprivation was all too well.  Getting up every couple of hours seemed to take years off my life.  It wasn’t till he was two that I started to catch back up.  Then came Aurora who is now two.  Sadly my kids have never enjoyed sleeping as much as me.  Both took until they were almost two to sleep through the night.  I think it’s more of a personality trait neither inherited from me.  I feel that every night a person doesn’t get enough sleep they lose so much time from there life.  It drains you and you can’t make it up.  How many bad choices do we make because we aren’t a hundred percent that day?  We drive drowsy and not alert.  We walk through life like zombies because we sleep on a bad mattress.  We have kids or a puppy we have to take out to go potty.  Granted these are generally choices we make ourselves so could we change - yes, will we - no.  I know when I was in the early 20s I would go out four nights a week and work a full time job and needless to say not to my best abilities.  With age came wisdom and eight o clock bed times for everyone in the house.  If I stay up late it’s with great consequence and a usually quote the next day “I’m too old for this shit.”

freewrite week 4 day 2

I really loved my question for the group discussion on know your audiences the only disappointment for me was those who really took it to seriously.  To me asking what you would be reincarnated was meant to be silly and not serious.  I got a hand full of responses from the class that they wouldn't be reincarnated at all.  I was disappointed at the fact that people couldn’t look past it all.  To me I see a lazy dog and wish I could do that all day.  I see a field of wheat and wish I could feel the wind like that.  I would love to fly like a bird.  I would love to run around a tree and play like a squirrel.  I wasn’t looking for people’s religious views.  But then I remembered where we lived and people here have the hardest time removing themselves to be open-minded enough for a silly question what would you like to be if you could come back.  I don’t necessarily believe in reincarnation but if I got to heaven and was given the chance to come back I would and would hope to be something other than human just for the fun of it.  I did make sure I responded back to all the people who did take my question as light hearted.  I did not respond to those who chose not to answer the question.  It was there choice to answer that way I and I have to respect that but if I was grading on if they did what I asked then no they didn’t.  They copped out and took the question to literally.  To me the point of the exercise was to be fun and silly and think deeper.   My favorite answer was someone wanted to be Einstein’s brain.  This I loved because he didn’t just want to be Einstein he wanted to be a part of him.  That was the answer I was looking for.  I would have loved for him to say why but I felt he looked at the question in the best light.

freewrite week 4 day 1

There are so many trials with having kids.  I worked in a daycare right out of high school and thought it was so easy.  It wasn’t till I brought my son home for the first time that I realized the world of a parent is very different than just being a care provider for a child.  Every year I learn something new from them.  I get a little sad that I wish I could do so much for them.  My mom was so awesome I had a special baby book with all my information from when I was born up until my second birthday.  I on the other hand have not been so productive for my kids.  I do have a million pictures and I can tell stories with them.  But I get a little fussy on details now.  They were both born around the same time of the day and weighed around the same weight.  More than likely baby number three is going to be the same way and I will have one more that will dilute my memory.  It’s hard to remember when they sat up or got teeth or lost them.  Its times like those I wish I had my mother’s memory for every little detail about how I grew up.  I would like to say that having a third is going to kick my but in gear to write more things down and remember more but someday it’s just about getting through the day without blood and tears.  I shoot for more smiles and giggles.  I do strive for my kids to be loved equally.  The way I grew up was a little unbalanced towards my younger sister.  I don’t want my kids to feel that way.  It just causes pain and resentment.  This usually grows to needing therapy as adults to why your parents loved your sister more than you.  That is a whole other topic. 

Freewrite - I believe all people lie

I think that House was right, all people lie.  I don’t think they want to but it just happens.  We all do it even when we should tell the truth.  Like when a doctor asked personal questions about health history we lie.  We lie about how much we eat, drink, or even if we have ever done drugs.  So if we lie to people who are only there to help us of course we are going to lie to the people we love too.  I know I lie.  I don’t want to sometimes but it’s just easier to tell someone your fine then go into details about how hard your life is.  Most of the time they are only asking for polite conversation not that they really care how you are doing.  Omission is still a lie.  Some people like to feel better about themselves because they feel not telling the truth or partially telling the truth is still okay.  Kinda goes back to the doctor scenario.  Sure doc I have a drink every once in a while, in truth that person may not be able to get out of bed in the morning without a drink.  Testing doesn’t lie.  That person’s liver could be failing and saying they don’t have a problem doesn’t take away the truth.  I can handle some lies from people I love.  It’s the lies that they can’t even look me in the eyes and get away with.  I know I would like to say I’m strong enough to call people on their bullshit but sometimes in moments of weakness I let them lie.  Sometimes I needed to believe there lies to make it through the day.  Sad but true.  Lies hurt people.  I would hope that most people wouldn’t want to cause that much pain to another person.  It’s the sociopaths that just don’t care about others that are scary.  I know a child like that.  Not mine thank god.  But I feel sorry for this little girl who doesn’t care about anyone she hurts to get what she wants.  It would make a nun swear and make the sign of the cross. 

359 words

I believe

1.       I believe I’m a good mom.

2.       I believe that most people are good at heart.

3.       I believe all people lie.

4.       I believe in aliens.

5.       I believe in a higher power.

6.       I believe that some classes are a waste of time and money. 

7.       I believe we should all try to make ours and others lives easier.

8.       I believe in choices.

9.       I believe strawberry cheesecake can solve anything.

10.   I believe history repeats itself and we never learn from it.

11.   I believe the best movies come from a great book.

12.   I believe all you need is love.

13.   I believe that the world is a good place.

14.   I believe bad people go to hell.

15.   I believe that we take people from granted.

16.   I believe that a sunny day is better than a cloudy one.

17.   I believe the glass is both half empty and half full.

18.   I believe everyone is equal.

19.   I believe kids shouldn’t stop believing in Santa.

20.   I believe there is life on other planets.

21.   I believe that people can be stupid.

22.   I believe you should give flowers as a gift, even though they die.

23.   I believe music should move you. 

24.   I believe in an inner monologue.

25.   I believe in standing out.

26.   I believe in being strong.

27.   I believe in bettering yourself.

28.   I believe everyone needs help.

Jung Typology test

Taking online personality quizzes can get a little out there.  The Jung Typology quiz was fairly insightful.  Some points were pretty spot on about me; others were just lots of airy words. My favorite part was the people like me list included Mother Teresa of Calcutta.  Who wouldn’t be a little flattered to on the same list?  What’s funny is my quiz actually said writing would be in my niche.  I’m not quite sure if I would agree with that part.  It does go on to say that my personality type is a champion of the oppressed and down trodden.  Maybe that means I’m better suited to write for a cause then for enjoyment.  It says people like me are generally “idealist” which I would have to disagree.  For me, I’m much more a realist at heart.  That maybe because of years in the real world turned me from an idealist to a realist.  The parts of the quiz that are more like me really aren’t very helpful for writing.  My type apparently is well suited for Psychology and counseling work.  Well, I’m going to be a registered nurse someday so having a personality that can understand people will help me greatly.   If I was just taking this test to find something insightful about me as a writer, it missed the mark.