freewrite Week 5 day 2

Loss to me is a big word that can mean so much.  I really haven’t had anyone close to me pass away.  The time I associate with loss is when my grandparents divorced.  My grandma was my best friend my whole life.  She was technically my step grandma but they were married before I was born.  It was never an issue till things went south.  All of a sudden I was separated from her because of everyone siding with my grandpa.  When people divorce when they are older it seems harder.  Too many opinions, too many thoughts.  At the time I was twenty and very confused emotionally how to deal with it all.  In the end I wasn’t given a choice I had to sever all ties to my grandma.  It to this day has been the greatest loss in my life and still makes me cry.  The pain of losing her was as great as if she had died.  Obviously she didn’t.  I did go back I think a year later around Christmas to give her a card and pictures of me.  I didn’t tell my family and felt horrible for sneaking around.  I haven’t seen her since.  I think of her often and wish daily for her guidance.  Sometimes I think she has new grandkids that she is close to like she was with me.  It’s been ten years now.  I hate to say that the loss would have been easier to take if she had passed away versus being still somewhere in the city of Springfield.  I think what my Aunts and uncles didn’t really understand was she was my only grandma.  I wish she was able to see my kids.  Teach them all the awesome things she taught me.  There isn’t a time in my first 20 years of life that didn’t include her in it.  It is nothing but pain since then that I can’t share my life with her.  I know now that I am more of an adult and can choose to find her.  Maybe I will.  It’s just hard to cross that line.  It’s almost like crossing the picket line to my family.   I’m not sure how they would feel if I was close to her again.  But they really never saw the loss from the whole situation like I did.